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Secret sauce?

Great thinkers have pondered throughout the centuries: which gets worse first -- cold fries or cold McNuggets? Truly -- a difficult question to answer. On the one hand, you have the french fries: light, slightly crispy, lightly salted (or heavily salted, depending on your pallette), piping hot (but not _too_ hot) -- simply perfection when just right. A vat of perfect french fries and a lifetime supply of Krispy Kremes would make most people content for life. On the other hand is the mcnuggets: warm, scrummy delights of chicken (or chicken-like substances) wrapped in tender battered... er... _material_ dipped in your favorite sauce. A perfect chicken nugget is comprable to life itself. So which do you eat (and enjoy) first? The obvious answers include: * Eat the fries first. Enjoy the golden, crispy fries to their fullest perfection. Unfortunately, in the mean time, the nuggets get cold and lump, resemling brown coal (and sometimes burning just as well, creating toxic gasses and contributing to the greenhouse effect). * Eat the nuggets first. Delight in the warmth and tenderness of the little pieces of happiness. Sadly, the fries will inevitably become damp, limp, and sometimes turn a pasty shade of green. Disgusting a best, suitable for national defense at worst. * Attempt to eat both at the same time -- alternating between one and the other. Your first few samples of each will be wonderful. But then the sickly side turns -- each asymptomatically approaches their terrifying "death-like" states, all the while you are cursed with the knowledge that you could have prevented this tragedy by making a better choice. This option is not recommended. * Eat one first while keeping the other in a dry, heated location. Unfortunately, the half-life of both items after leaving the hands of a qualified fast-food attendant is about 1.3 minutes, regardless of environmental conditions, temperator, and/or nurturing care (such as a microwave). Attempts to revive the foods after they have come into your possession are fruitless and will result in food implosions and/or serious injury. This method is not recommended. * Force everything down very quickly (perhaps accompanied by a tasty milkshake). This provides instant gratification for some sickos, but usually results in indigestion, lack of satisfaction, general listlessness, embarrissing gas, alienation of friends, despair, and eventual suicide. This method is not recommended. * Use a potato masher to make a mash of all the ingredients (the milkshake is optional) until it has a shephard's pie-like consistency. Eat the resulting cement with a spoon until it hardens and you are no longer able to extract the spoon. However, in doing so, you lose the individuality of each sensual delight, and instead are left with a Soilent-Green version of a meal. Unless you're an avid Science Fiction fan and enjoy long walks on the beach and cannibalism, this option is also not recommended. * Only purchase one food at a time, thereby keeping the other in the hands of trained fast-food professionals. When finished with the first food, purchase the second. What are you, French? With no challenge, there's no life! How can you look your children in the eye if you can't say that you have attempted the impossible, tried to seize the day, or lusted for life! Don't surrender now -- try, try, and try again! So what to do? I guess someone smarter than me will have to answer this. For my part, I know I'll be doomed to keep trying to solve the eternal quandry. And trying again. And trying again. And...


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Comments (2)


Having attempted to solve for all variables, and in consideration of the grease to perspiration ratio witnessed of the average “professional food handler”, it appears that the attached URL is your gateway to a lifetime of your “edible” goodness. Glad I could help.


I also have to wonder if the transmogrification of the alleged food follows the same pattern inside the stomach as well as outside.

Also, if you are a “professional food handler”, do your fries ever get cold?

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